Suggestion

Dear Facebook,
Rather than title that suggestion on the right side of the page "People You May Know," you should just call it "People You Can't Stand."

Thanks for considering.

Trash Cans

Dear Trash Guy,
On a scale of 1-10, how difficult is it for you to place the trash can that you emptied into your truck in an upright position on the sidewalk where you found it? Why do you have to throw it in the middle of the street or on my front yard? Why is my trash can lid in my neighbor's pool? The recycling guy seems to be able to put the recycle boxes back just fine.

It's not like the person at my work who comes around at night to empty the daily trash just chucks the bins in the middle of cubes and hallways after emptying them.

Please consider.

Thanks

Band-Aids

Band-Aids will always be important as long as there are kids in the world.  Everyone always had cuts when they're kids. Are kids’ skin just extra sensitive or are they that much more active than adults? Or are kids just idiots? Every week I had a cut on my shin, or my knees had raspberries on them. What was I doing? Was I just sliding on pavement for fun? Was I playing jump rope with thorn branches?

So kids get band-aids, they're on for a week and they get all dusty and dirty around the edges and then right before the cut healed, the band-aid falls off into a pool and the cut re-opens. Repeat that dusty and dirty around the edges step with a new band-aid and pray you don't go to a pool party in the next week.

I'm not sure why, but I never had Band-Aids at my house. Maybe because Band-Aids are the most racist product of all time?

"Next Person In Line"

If I was running a campaign to become the next manager of Target (or CVS or a grocery store), my campaign would be centered around stopping jerks at the end of lines who think a cashier who just opened up his/her register is talking to them when he/she says, "I can help the next person in line." Every time a new light comes on, the cashier specifically says he/she can help the next person in line - not the person at the end of the line, nor the person who just walked over conveniently at the time the new register opened. The cashier might as well just say "Hi, I can help the closest a-hole."

The Foreign Exchange Student Who Hated Dodgeball at Recess...

...moved back home with his mother in Slovania to play goalie....

World Cup, Thanks England

Could the England goalie even save a document in Microsoft Word?

No Wonder...

News Feed...

Burnt the Roof of My Mouth

I just ordered a pizza and hadn't eaten all day. I was starving and the 30 minute wait for delivery felt like 2 hours. I had the paper plate already to go and a nice cold can of orange soda on deck. The pizza guy finally came and I brought the box directly to my coffee table to watch TV. Boy was I excited.

I ripped a small slice off to start and it was smoking hot. I gave it one quick blow and a waft and went for it. Ah Ah Ahhhh. The cheese ripped off the whole slice and went directly for the roof of my mouth. I tried to open my mouth as wide as possible and suck all the air in as possible to cool it down, but it was too late. I gambled and I went for the first bite too soon. I went on to have 4 slices and couldn't taste one bite.

After thinking about it, the reason burning the roof of your mouth is so terrible is because you get hurt and disapointed at the exact moment you think you are going to be so happy. It's like opening the big box first at Christmas and finding out its one of those 10 in 1 game tables, where the jackass inventor of this product is actually able to ruin 10 great games by combining them in 1 small crappy table.

Facebook News Feed

I friend-ed Nitro...

Where's Waldo?

Waldo recently joined facebook and the his new book just isn't as fun with all his status updates...

Why Are Tennis Balls Cooler Than Golf Balls?

5. Old people can put tennins balls on their walkers to help them dance better
4. You have to warn someone when a golf ball is about to hit them; you try to hit people with tennis balls
3. No one likes those stupid bumper stickers that try to make it seem like a golf ball broke the back windshield
2. Nothing beats the smell of a new can of tennis balls
1. It is the weapon of choice in "Assault" on American Gladiators; if golf balls were used, the game would be called "Murder"

Celtics-Lakers...Trash Talk

How the BP CEO Eats a Reese's

Blowing

As a kid, being the blower was better than being the blowee. Top 5 Reasons Why:

5. Blowing bubbles in your soda made for a good laugh at the dinner table
4. Blowing out candles at your birthday meant it was almost present time
3. Blowing bubblegum was one of the first tricks you learn
2. Blowing on the palm of your hand after falling on pavement cured the horrible pain of gravel
1. When all else failed, blowing on a Nintendo game got your Super Mario back up and running

Street Signs

On the highway, why is every diamond-shaped "Road Work Ahead" sign cut off on the sides? I get it. Trucks might hit the sign. Just make a tall, skinny rectangular sign instead of a half-ass, home-made rhombus.

Then, you get off the highway and there's a sign for everything. Yield off the ramp. That's a One Way. Now there's a 3-Way Stop. Then there's a girl with a horse. A moose x-ing. A blind guy. Just let us drive.

Candy Store Pick Up Lines...Where Are They Now...

Straight-to-the-Point Pervert:
Can I Nutrageous on your Mounds?

Anything but Shy Girl:
Will you make my Starburst?

Priest:
I like my Sour Patch Kids like I like my altar boys. Good and Fruity.

Unlucky Girl:
Can't tonight, another flare up...I have Goobers all over my Mallow Cup

Shopacholic:
Hey Sugar Daddy, take me on a Spree!

Drunk Dialer:
Anyone looking to Skor?

Laid Back Stoner:
That Mary Jane was good stuff. Wanna play with my Chunky?

Impessive Girl Next Door:
I don't get why they are called Jawbreakers?

Wilfred Brimley:
 Pixy Stix.

Creepy Swim Coach:
OK girls, how about a Fun Dip?

Future Gay Guy:
Yummmmmy! Could I have some more Mike and Ike?

Bad Hook Up Girl:
So I Pull and Peel?

Stupid Nervous Idiot:
Want to see my Raisinets? I mean, wait. My Slim Jim? Oh God.

Fat Girl:
I can fit nine Butterfingers in my Peppermint Patty!

School Skank:
I'll have 3 Musketeers. No wrapper.

Ditz:
Can you do the Whatchamacallit with your Cow Tale on my Snow Caps?

Clown:
Do you like the texture of Circus Peanuts?

Exaggerator:
Dude, just had a Sixlet.

Gangster:
Yo, Honees, let me see dat Tootsie Roll! My Swizzle Stick's fo shizzle. Shooot.

Sketchy Guy:
It's hot out. Did your Milk Duds get stuck inside a Box? Giggidy.

Unoriginal Bastard:
How about a Hershey Kiss? Ehh?

Real Men of Genius Idea

Today we salute you, Mr. Always Want to Get the Last Clap.
As a young a boy you would look for the perfect opportunity,
Whether it be a school play or your sister's orchestra concert
(your sister played the flute)

You paid no attention to the play or the music during the show,
But when that crowd goes wild, it's your time to shine
And you get into the ready position
(yes, the ready position)

As the applause starts to quiet down, your hands have just begun,
You notice two other people in the room also want that last clap,
But no! You continue and continue to clap at an odd, broken pace.
People wonder if you are more awkward or obnoxious,
But it doesn't matter, because you got the last clap, yet again!
(Mr. Always Want to Get the Last Clap)

Pencils

Let’s talk pencils. Pencils are pretty funny. I feel bad for No. 3 pencils. I wish there was something that needed No. 3 pencils. Like if you wanted to play mini golf – um, sir, is that a no.3? 

I didn’t mind mechanical pencils, but every once in a while mechanical pencils decide to just screw you. You’re writing along and then the lead just gets nervous and ducks back into the pencil. So you start pumping it out, jabbing the eraser, some lead comes out. Then the moment the lead touches the paper, slooooop. Back in.

In all honesty, I really hate writing in pencil. Maybe that’s why I sucked at standardized tests. I remember I went to take an exam and the mechanical pencil didn’t specify #2. so I asked the girl in front of me for 1 of her 19 sharpened pencils. She reached into her bag, and took out a new pencil. Never sharpened. She had a GROSS of sharpened pencils. One for each Goddamn question she was gonna get right, which was a lot. So I went over and started cranking it in the crappy sharpener. My elbow is like numb, so I try going lefty. Finally, I pull it out and the pencil is like 2 inches long and only sharp on one side. Then I sit down and I’m going through and I skip the 5^th question, go on to #6...but I filled in the #5 bubble….which I don't realize until the 10^th question. You’ve all done this – you’ve all had to erase a bubble once. You practice erasing on the scratch paper and it seems to be a good eraser. So you get the 'all clear' and go to erase the bubbles on the actual test sheet.... SMUDDDDDDDGE.

Size Labels

I think it's funny how ghetto kids keep the sticker on the brim of their hats. I think I'm going to start being ghetto in my office. I'm going to keep the tag on my khakis.  Yeah that’s right.. 34x34. Respect.  I think it will catch on pretty quickly.

Bathrooms

Going to the bathroom in elementary school was a project. You had to wait for a good time to raise your hand because teachers would get mad if you asked while they were talking. Then you had to go to the back of the room and sign your name and the time you leave the room because no two kids could be in the bathroom at the same time. What started that? Did teachers think two eight year old kids were gonna smoke crack in the bathroom? One eight year old won’t smoke crack, but 2 eight year olds. NOOO. DO NOT LET THEM IN THERE TOGETHER! So then, as long as no young colleague of yours is using the facilities (i.e., waiting in the bathroom for one other person to start trouble with) you need to get the huge key – there wasn’t even a lock in school bathrooms, but they felt the only way to control these menaces was by making kids bring large objects to the bathroom that were impossible to lose. As a result, they give you a key attached to a brick, or a piece of driftwood with a key.

Whatever clever massive object they decide to give you, it always felt so gross touching it. What did Tommy “Pee Pants” do with it when he didn’t make it to the bathroom? Then you get to the bathroom and you don't know where to put before your begin the "operation." In elementary school, we didn’t have rolls of toilet paper. Instead, we had a tall stack of individual squares of toilet paper.  Honestly, it was like a stack of individually wrapped cheddar cheeses. So you’d sit down, do your business, and then you begin the cleaning process with individual squares! It was easier coloring in the lines back then than this process. I picked up like 12 squares and just tried to get some kind of surface area in my favor, but it never panned out like I hoped. Always rippage. The fear of every kid with individual toilet paper sheets. When your fingers break through the TP, that’s the only line of defense. Once the rippage occurs, crap on your hand. Now with crap on your hand, you’re just disgusted and pull up the Ninja Turtle underwear. So you take your crap-scented hands over to the faucet (head down, no pride), and there wasn't even liquid soap to wash it appropriately. You had to grind out your soap like a block of cheese.

Moral: Despite the terrible process of leaving the classroom, if you are ever bored in class, a walk to the bathroom is always warranted.

Board Games - Travel Size

When I was a kid (and still today) playing board games was one of my favorite things to do. And traveling was one of my least favorite things to do - whether it was an ear popping flight to Florida or a 6 hour car ride on the "hump" between my two sisters in a '69 Cadillac with no A/C (and no seatbelts). At any rate, whoever invented travel size board games did not help the traveling situation. It made traveling frustrating and almost ruined board games for me. Those games were terrible.

Have you ever played travel BattleShip? The dividing wall was like an inch high so as long as you could read upside down it was pretty damn easy. Clue only had two rooms and small weapons that could fit in your carry on. Connect 4 turns into Connect 2. Guess Who was a blast on a turbulent plane. I'd be dueling with my sister. She picked a woman with glasses and facial hair so she was screwed from the get-go. I had a normal guy with no hat and no fu manchu. I can remember having two people left standing up - she had about 12. 'Does your person have a mustache?' Then the seat belt sign comes on due to turbulence and all the pieces fall over and the game's over. Awesome.


Moral: Just bring a regular size game on vacation. Save frustration rather than space.