"Next Person In Line"

If I was running a campaign to become the next manager of Target (or CVS or a grocery store), my campaign would be centered around stopping jerks at the end of lines who think a cashier who just opened up his/her register is talking to them when he/she says, "I can help the next person in line." Every time a new light comes on, the cashier specifically says he/she can help the next person in line - not the person at the end of the line, nor the person who just walked over conveniently at the time the new register opened. The cashier might as well just say "Hi, I can help the closest a-hole."

The Foreign Exchange Student Who Hated Dodgeball at Recess...

...moved back home with his mother in Slovania to play goalie....

World Cup, Thanks England

Could the England goalie even save a document in Microsoft Word?

No Wonder...

News Feed...

Burnt the Roof of My Mouth

I just ordered a pizza and hadn't eaten all day. I was starving and the 30 minute wait for delivery felt like 2 hours. I had the paper plate already to go and a nice cold can of orange soda on deck. The pizza guy finally came and I brought the box directly to my coffee table to watch TV. Boy was I excited.

I ripped a small slice off to start and it was smoking hot. I gave it one quick blow and a waft and went for it. Ah Ah Ahhhh. The cheese ripped off the whole slice and went directly for the roof of my mouth. I tried to open my mouth as wide as possible and suck all the air in as possible to cool it down, but it was too late. I gambled and I went for the first bite too soon. I went on to have 4 slices and couldn't taste one bite.

After thinking about it, the reason burning the roof of your mouth is so terrible is because you get hurt and disapointed at the exact moment you think you are going to be so happy. It's like opening the big box first at Christmas and finding out its one of those 10 in 1 game tables, where the jackass inventor of this product is actually able to ruin 10 great games by combining them in 1 small crappy table.

Facebook News Feed

I friend-ed Nitro...

Where's Waldo?

Waldo recently joined facebook and the his new book just isn't as fun with all his status updates...

Why Are Tennis Balls Cooler Than Golf Balls?

5. Old people can put tennins balls on their walkers to help them dance better
4. You have to warn someone when a golf ball is about to hit them; you try to hit people with tennis balls
3. No one likes those stupid bumper stickers that try to make it seem like a golf ball broke the back windshield
2. Nothing beats the smell of a new can of tennis balls
1. It is the weapon of choice in "Assault" on American Gladiators; if golf balls were used, the game would be called "Murder"

Celtics-Lakers...Trash Talk

How the BP CEO Eats a Reese's

Blowing

As a kid, being the blower was better than being the blowee. Top 5 Reasons Why:

5. Blowing bubbles in your soda made for a good laugh at the dinner table
4. Blowing out candles at your birthday meant it was almost present time
3. Blowing bubblegum was one of the first tricks you learn
2. Blowing on the palm of your hand after falling on pavement cured the horrible pain of gravel
1. When all else failed, blowing on a Nintendo game got your Super Mario back up and running

Street Signs

On the highway, why is every diamond-shaped "Road Work Ahead" sign cut off on the sides? I get it. Trucks might hit the sign. Just make a tall, skinny rectangular sign instead of a half-ass, home-made rhombus.

Then, you get off the highway and there's a sign for everything. Yield off the ramp. That's a One Way. Now there's a 3-Way Stop. Then there's a girl with a horse. A moose x-ing. A blind guy. Just let us drive.

Candy Store Pick Up Lines...Where Are They Now...

Straight-to-the-Point Pervert:
Can I Nutrageous on your Mounds?

Anything but Shy Girl:
Will you make my Starburst?

Priest:
I like my Sour Patch Kids like I like my altar boys. Good and Fruity.

Unlucky Girl:
Can't tonight, another flare up...I have Goobers all over my Mallow Cup

Shopacholic:
Hey Sugar Daddy, take me on a Spree!

Drunk Dialer:
Anyone looking to Skor?

Laid Back Stoner:
That Mary Jane was good stuff. Wanna play with my Chunky?

Impessive Girl Next Door:
I don't get why they are called Jawbreakers?

Wilfred Brimley:
 Pixy Stix.

Creepy Swim Coach:
OK girls, how about a Fun Dip?

Future Gay Guy:
Yummmmmy! Could I have some more Mike and Ike?

Bad Hook Up Girl:
So I Pull and Peel?

Stupid Nervous Idiot:
Want to see my Raisinets? I mean, wait. My Slim Jim? Oh God.

Fat Girl:
I can fit nine Butterfingers in my Peppermint Patty!

School Skank:
I'll have 3 Musketeers. No wrapper.

Ditz:
Can you do the Whatchamacallit with your Cow Tale on my Snow Caps?

Clown:
Do you like the texture of Circus Peanuts?

Exaggerator:
Dude, just had a Sixlet.

Gangster:
Yo, Honees, let me see dat Tootsie Roll! My Swizzle Stick's fo shizzle. Shooot.

Sketchy Guy:
It's hot out. Did your Milk Duds get stuck inside a Box? Giggidy.

Unoriginal Bastard:
How about a Hershey Kiss? Ehh?