Real Men of Genius Idea

Today we salute you, Mr. Always Want to Get the Last Clap.
As a young a boy you would look for the perfect opportunity,
Whether it be a school play or your sister's orchestra concert
(your sister played the flute)

You paid no attention to the play or the music during the show,
But when that crowd goes wild, it's your time to shine
And you get into the ready position
(yes, the ready position)

As the applause starts to quiet down, your hands have just begun,
You notice two other people in the room also want that last clap,
But no! You continue and continue to clap at an odd, broken pace.
People wonder if you are more awkward or obnoxious,
But it doesn't matter, because you got the last clap, yet again!
(Mr. Always Want to Get the Last Clap)

Pencils

Let’s talk pencils. Pencils are pretty funny. I feel bad for No. 3 pencils. I wish there was something that needed No. 3 pencils. Like if you wanted to play mini golf – um, sir, is that a no.3? 

I didn’t mind mechanical pencils, but every once in a while mechanical pencils decide to just screw you. You’re writing along and then the lead just gets nervous and ducks back into the pencil. So you start pumping it out, jabbing the eraser, some lead comes out. Then the moment the lead touches the paper, slooooop. Back in.

In all honesty, I really hate writing in pencil. Maybe that’s why I sucked at standardized tests. I remember I went to take an exam and the mechanical pencil didn’t specify #2. so I asked the girl in front of me for 1 of her 19 sharpened pencils. She reached into her bag, and took out a new pencil. Never sharpened. She had a GROSS of sharpened pencils. One for each Goddamn question she was gonna get right, which was a lot. So I went over and started cranking it in the crappy sharpener. My elbow is like numb, so I try going lefty. Finally, I pull it out and the pencil is like 2 inches long and only sharp on one side. Then I sit down and I’m going through and I skip the 5^th question, go on to #6...but I filled in the #5 bubble….which I don't realize until the 10^th question. You’ve all done this – you’ve all had to erase a bubble once. You practice erasing on the scratch paper and it seems to be a good eraser. So you get the 'all clear' and go to erase the bubbles on the actual test sheet.... SMUDDDDDDDGE.

Size Labels

I think it's funny how ghetto kids keep the sticker on the brim of their hats. I think I'm going to start being ghetto in my office. I'm going to keep the tag on my khakis.  Yeah that’s right.. 34x34. Respect.  I think it will catch on pretty quickly.

Bathrooms

Going to the bathroom in elementary school was a project. You had to wait for a good time to raise your hand because teachers would get mad if you asked while they were talking. Then you had to go to the back of the room and sign your name and the time you leave the room because no two kids could be in the bathroom at the same time. What started that? Did teachers think two eight year old kids were gonna smoke crack in the bathroom? One eight year old won’t smoke crack, but 2 eight year olds. NOOO. DO NOT LET THEM IN THERE TOGETHER! So then, as long as no young colleague of yours is using the facilities (i.e., waiting in the bathroom for one other person to start trouble with) you need to get the huge key – there wasn’t even a lock in school bathrooms, but they felt the only way to control these menaces was by making kids bring large objects to the bathroom that were impossible to lose. As a result, they give you a key attached to a brick, or a piece of driftwood with a key.

Whatever clever massive object they decide to give you, it always felt so gross touching it. What did Tommy “Pee Pants” do with it when he didn’t make it to the bathroom? Then you get to the bathroom and you don't know where to put before your begin the "operation." In elementary school, we didn’t have rolls of toilet paper. Instead, we had a tall stack of individual squares of toilet paper.  Honestly, it was like a stack of individually wrapped cheddar cheeses. So you’d sit down, do your business, and then you begin the cleaning process with individual squares! It was easier coloring in the lines back then than this process. I picked up like 12 squares and just tried to get some kind of surface area in my favor, but it never panned out like I hoped. Always rippage. The fear of every kid with individual toilet paper sheets. When your fingers break through the TP, that’s the only line of defense. Once the rippage occurs, crap on your hand. Now with crap on your hand, you’re just disgusted and pull up the Ninja Turtle underwear. So you take your crap-scented hands over to the faucet (head down, no pride), and there wasn't even liquid soap to wash it appropriately. You had to grind out your soap like a block of cheese.

Moral: Despite the terrible process of leaving the classroom, if you are ever bored in class, a walk to the bathroom is always warranted.

Board Games - Travel Size

When I was a kid (and still today) playing board games was one of my favorite things to do. And traveling was one of my least favorite things to do - whether it was an ear popping flight to Florida or a 6 hour car ride on the "hump" between my two sisters in a '69 Cadillac with no A/C (and no seatbelts). At any rate, whoever invented travel size board games did not help the traveling situation. It made traveling frustrating and almost ruined board games for me. Those games were terrible.

Have you ever played travel BattleShip? The dividing wall was like an inch high so as long as you could read upside down it was pretty damn easy. Clue only had two rooms and small weapons that could fit in your carry on. Connect 4 turns into Connect 2. Guess Who was a blast on a turbulent plane. I'd be dueling with my sister. She picked a woman with glasses and facial hair so she was screwed from the get-go. I had a normal guy with no hat and no fu manchu. I can remember having two people left standing up - she had about 12. 'Does your person have a mustache?' Then the seat belt sign comes on due to turbulence and all the pieces fall over and the game's over. Awesome.


Moral: Just bring a regular size game on vacation. Save frustration rather than space.